


Lupin's Fun Facts

by thisislegit



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Comedy, Drabble, M/M, Multi, inappropriate terminology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisislegit/pseuds/thisislegit
Summary: Sometimes it's very unfortunate when Lupin decides to open his mouth.
Relationships: Ishikawa Goemon XIII/Jigen Daisuke/Arsène Lupin III/Mine Fujiko
Comments: 4
Kudos: 74





	Lupin's Fun Facts

**Author's Note:**

> discord drabbles that got out of hand
> 
> i know y'all are tired of seeing me post in this fandom tag so often

Lupin leaned into Goemon's side on the couch. The swordsman wouldn't wrap his arm around his shoulders like Jigen, or press his head against his chest like Fujiko, but he always sat as still as a statue like he was doing his best not to jostle the thief. "Hey Goemon, want to hear a fun fact?"

"I suppose."

"Well, yesterday I was looking through Fujiko's panty drawer."

"I no longer wish to hear the fact."

Lupin went on to say, "And I found these weird bleach stains right where her pussy would sit. Ya know, right where the lips rest?"

Goemon's face was coloring with a blush.

"So I looked it up, and turns out, sometimes the pussy juice-."

"Please do not call it that."

"The liquid excretions that come from the vagina can become acidic enough to bleach fabric. So then I thought, is there anyway to utilize that? Like, feasibly, could someone eat enough that they melt through-

Jigen walked into the hotel room holding take out bags, "Fuck, that line was out the ass at the chinese place."

Goemon stood up with a muttered, "oh thank god" and went to grab his food.

Goemon retreated to their shared bedroom with his meal in tow leaving Lupin to pout on the couch and Jigen to steal his seat.

"The hell was that about?" Jigen pulled out a carton of chow mein and broke the chopsticks apart using his teeth.

Lupin perked up in his seat, "I was sharing a fun fact."

"You were?"

"Yes. Did you know pussy juice can reach ph levels strong enough to dye fabric?"

Jigen paused with his food halfway to his mouth.

"So I was talking to Goemon about how, theoretically, if someone ate the right combination of foods they could melt-"

"Hey Goemon, make some room for me!" Jigen shoved his chopsticks into his noodles and hopped over the back of the couch.

* * *

Fujiko returned to the hotel room later that night to hear loud voices from the bedroom. Curious, she made sure to shut the door quietly and slipped off her heels as not to make a sound. Tip-toeing over to the bedroom, she pressed her ear against the wood to listen.

"IF IT MELTS DICKS IT WOULD MELT THE INSIDE OF THE PUSSY." Jigen's voice came first.

"Okay, but before menstruation there's a protective lining of blood and other matter that could, in theory, be a barrier for protection." Lupin argued.

"You're a fucking dumbass!"

"BUT HEAR ME OUT."

Goemon's voice was much quieter, "I would like to talk about anything else. Please."

"I ain't hearing out shit! It wouldn't work, Lupin!"

Fujiko opened the door, "What in the hell is going on in here?"

Goemon sat on the bed looking frustrated, while Lupin and Jigen were standing opposite to each other by the dresser. Jigen's hat was tilted down as far as it could go and failed to hide his blushing face while Lupin only appeared overjoyed to see her.

"Fujiko! Hey, so, do you think the ph levels of pussy juice-."

"Stop calling it that." Goemon interrupted.

"When raised to the right Ph levels could remain safely inside the uterus while melting anything that enters it?" Lupin finished.

Fujiko went silent. Then she looked around the room and saw not a bottle of alcohol anywhere. After a moment, she placed a hand on her chin in thought and asked, "You went through my underwear drawer again, didn't you?"

* * *

They were staking out the building while avoiding the occasional patrol car that drove along the narrow street. Lupin needed to set up one more camera, but that required Goemon's help to cut a small hole in the wall high enough that it wouldn't be easily intercepted. By the time they finished the job, Lupin was rambling off on a topic he found interesting only for Goemon to loudly clear his throat. This made Lupin pause.

"Lupin. Do you know what a fun fact is?"

"Yeah. They're bits of information that make you go "wow, that's interesting!" Why?"

"Have you considered that your facts about human genitalia and it's capabilities as well as it's restrictions do not make people go wow or believe it is interesting?" Goemon peered around the corner before darting behind another building.

Lupin followed close behind, "What? Psshhh, no. They're fun!"

"They are not fun, Lupin. They're inappropriate and uncomfortable."

"You mean they make _you_ uncomfortable."

"Any man with merit would be uncomfortable at the extraordinary level of detail you provide this information at times that are the most inconvenient."

Goemon darted through the next alley, but when Lupin tried to follow suit dozens of lights from the rooftops zoned in on him.

"Shit!" Lupin quickly waved Goemon off and turned on his heel to go the other way only for a pair of handcuffs to clip around his ankles. He fell face first to the ground and sighed into the concrete.

Zenigata's laughter rang down the alley as his boots hit the pavement. "We've got you now, Lupin! I knew you'd try to put cameras around the place. You're getting predictable."

Lupin was pulled onto his feet and another set of handcuffs slapped onto his wrists. This was bad. He didn't have his spare hands on him, and there were too many cops for him and Goemon to safely bolt out of here. He needed to stall, but how?

Oh.

"Hey, Zenigata, before you pack me up, do you want to hear a fun fact?"

"Is it about you escaping?"

Lupin grinned. "Nothing of the sort!"

It wasn’t five minutes later that his cuffs were shot off. The officers that surrounded him shared mixed expressions of shock, horror, and awe they couldn’t seem to break out of even as Lupin scrambled up the rope Jigen tossed down the wall.

“SO LONG, Pops!” Lupin said as he reached the rooftop.

Apparently, that was enough to snap Zenigata out of his stupor since he started shaking his officers by the shoulders and pointing at Lupin telling them to shoot.

Ducking by stray bullets, Jigen asked, “How the hell did you get them to stay there for so long?”

“Goemon was wrong. My facts are fun!”


End file.
